Message in a Bottle

I write this letter hoping that even if it is meant as a cry for help towards any anonymous person, it is you who would somehow get a hold of this.

I am tired, and have often been in the same situation for many times: on the verge of breakdown. Tonight, I'll try to write it down in lieu of sulking by myself in a corner, trying to breathe in and breathe out just for all the anxiety to go away. I am emotionally conflicted, mentally exhausted, and physically yearning to just lie in bed and watch the stars.

I'm still not sure if my dreams are still as big as before, or if I'm already contented, having reached the happiest season of my life. Gaining so many friends worth keeping (that I actually don't have room for new ones) and discovering newfound loves have drastically changed my life. I don't know if this is some sort of adrenaline rush to my, as they always say, sheltered way of living, but I'm thrilled that in one way or another, it has partially changed.

I also met you. You who were someone I used to just shrug off, you whom I thought were better off in your lucky-go-happy world. We've never had a real, honest and good conversation. All I had gotten in the last few weeks were your crazy and desperate jokes to wing everything that had to be finished and completed. I don't know why it hit me tremendously, I just know that in between the jokes were sincere moments of affirmation that I failed to receive from anybody.

Now I realize, we've never had that conversation because I'm too scared to hear the words that will ruin the investments I've made with another special person. Likewise, I'm too scared to find out that there was just really nothing surfacing between the exchanges we've had. So today, I'm closing that door because you never gave me any reason to take your flattery seriously. It was just flattery, plain and simple. And plainly, simply, and ironically, it did break my heart. So today, I promise myself that I will protect the person who loved me most in spite of this predicament because he deserves to be fought for.

So tell me now, can you please shut up and stop uplifting my vulnerable spirit? I can't have this game of chasing and hoping with you... and this is the only way you can rescue me.

Playgrounds, Night Time, and Carnivals

This week, I felt special once again. This week, I was affirmed. This week, I relived and loved the idea of the chase.

If only it were simple, if only feelings could be controlled, and if only I could protect people from getting hurt.

And if only you could stop being your funny and helpful self, if only I met you when no strings had been attached... then so many things could change.