Why I'm Not Staying

It's hard to look back on my recent "holiday" and say that I didn't go through permanent life defects. It's hard to look back on the last two or three years of my life and say that I haven't gone beyond my limit--I've changed drastically and it's the kind of change that's impossible to reverse and take back. Sometimes, I pray really hard that I haven't gone too far, that it isn't too late to live the life I've lived before.

It has been a slow, painful decay and I wish that some masks can be worn stronger so that all the pruning and breaking and sharpening become a little bit more tolerable. Everyday since December, my threshold for people and scrutiny has shrunk smaller and smaller. I'm afraid that now, that threshold no longer exists. I am meticulous in more ways than one but if there's anything the last few months have taught me, a little bit of leniency, intentional relationships, a strong grasp of purpose and the gift of grace go beyond what the mind can fathom. Not that I received all of those--I didn't, that's why I know. That's why in my head, I can logically and easily pinpoint where the blame should go (and I don't exclude myself when I do).

I'm tired of feeling lonely, of being publicly humiliated, of being laughed at, of being belittled--implicitly or directly. I am tired, so tired, of giving unnecessary sacrifices when there could have always been a simple solution to keep things light, fast and emotionally healthy. I may never be the same again but the promise I made to myself when the New Year kicked in rings so loud and so true: I am off to discover greater things than this.

A Couple of New Year's Resolutions

I normally don't do this, but I think today has proved very timely for it:

1) Get a job that doesn't kill my social life.
2) Get a job that will allow me to celebrate holidays.
3) Get a job that will not ruin my personal relationships with people, as well as my perceptions of them.
4) Rest.
5) Watch lots of wonderful movies and read so many good books.
6) Be gorgeous--no matter what.

God's Plans

I've been journeying with God on-and-off for the past months. Here's how the cycle goes. After days or weeks of not fighting for my time with Him, I would be drawn through a Christian song or a really good Christian book. Then I'd be sentimental, then cry, and feel guilty yet equally loved and make a pledge to be a better Christian. To get to know Him more. That I wouldn't skip long days without praying or having my devotion. After sometime, the motivation would once again deteriorate. Oh, I'm too busy I have to finish this. Oh, this seems so exciting I can always get back to my devotion. Oh, God will understand.

I'm writing this down because today was another high point in that cycle and I just want to crush the cycle. I want every day to be a fighting day for time with God. Because in my happy place, I started making plans for myself. I started making plans to achieve by myself. I totally forgot about God's plans and now that I want to follow Him, I am completely, miserably lost.

I have to restore my walk with God. I have to start somewhere, I have to start there. I have to admit it, and I don't want to end this on some glorious note that it will be alright soon and that I will be redeemed. (Although most likely, this will be the case for all God's children.) I just want to say it now. My pride is wounded. I am crippled and I keep trying to get up. I cannot accept the fact that I am crippled and I am not doing well. Because people will judge me. And though it shouldn't, it matters so much to me. I am ashamed that I acted like the most intellectual of all intellectuals. It was a slap on my face to know that I am not. And yet, I am nursing the pain.

I just want it all to be okay. I just want to get back on the track that I used to follow so well. To experience the good and the bad, and not to get too focused that I only get the good.

Dear God, I truly do not know where I am going. I badly want to. But I know my heart is not ready. So I want You to make it ready. Grant me humility, allow me to accept that things cannot always be perfect, that things cannot be planned, and the best plans are those that are Yours, revealed in Your proper timing. Teach me to be calm, but strong enough to fight. To not be satisfied with a life that is comfortable and yet pointless. Please Lord, I cannot live without direction. I cannot live without knowing. Please help me.

Message in a Bottle

I write this letter hoping that even if it is meant as a cry for help towards any anonymous person, it is you who would somehow get a hold of this.

I am tired, and have often been in the same situation for many times: on the verge of breakdown. Tonight, I'll try to write it down in lieu of sulking by myself in a corner, trying to breathe in and breathe out just for all the anxiety to go away. I am emotionally conflicted, mentally exhausted, and physically yearning to just lie in bed and watch the stars.

I'm still not sure if my dreams are still as big as before, or if I'm already contented, having reached the happiest season of my life. Gaining so many friends worth keeping (that I actually don't have room for new ones) and discovering newfound loves have drastically changed my life. I don't know if this is some sort of adrenaline rush to my, as they always say, sheltered way of living, but I'm thrilled that in one way or another, it has partially changed.

I also met you. You who were someone I used to just shrug off, you whom I thought were better off in your lucky-go-happy world. We've never had a real, honest and good conversation. All I had gotten in the last few weeks were your crazy and desperate jokes to wing everything that had to be finished and completed. I don't know why it hit me tremendously, I just know that in between the jokes were sincere moments of affirmation that I failed to receive from anybody.

Now I realize, we've never had that conversation because I'm too scared to hear the words that will ruin the investments I've made with another special person. Likewise, I'm too scared to find out that there was just really nothing surfacing between the exchanges we've had. So today, I'm closing that door because you never gave me any reason to take your flattery seriously. It was just flattery, plain and simple. And plainly, simply, and ironically, it did break my heart. So today, I promise myself that I will protect the person who loved me most in spite of this predicament because he deserves to be fought for.

So tell me now, can you please shut up and stop uplifting my vulnerable spirit? I can't have this game of chasing and hoping with you... and this is the only way you can rescue me.

Pocahontas is My Current Heroine

In Disney's Pocahontas, Grandmother Willow says, "Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one."

Only now that I am a grown person do I realize the weight of these words. It strikes as something noble and heroic at first, but later on it tires you out and eats you up. The path becomes so grueling before it can become so fulfilling, and you suddenly wonder if, amid the emotions and sentiments and hardcore pain, you're still on the right path.

In Just Around the Riverbend, Pocahontas sings, "Should I choose the smoothest course, steady as the beating drum? Should I marry Kocoum? Is all my dreaming at an end? Or do you still wait for me, Dream Giver, just around the riverbend?"

I can only wish that in real life, we have pretty orange and violet leaves fluttering around when we get to the crossroads.

Please Take My Time Seriously

I am annoyed. I am annoyed at people who belittle the work we do as preschool teachers and college professors in the university. "Madaming ginagawa? Preschool teacher ka lang naman ah." I teach preschool and college students. With preschoolers, my materials, weekly plan and activities are not the only things that matter. I have to make sure that every day, they are SAFE. And with that, I cannot compromise. I cannot be stressed because I have to be patient. I cannot be sleepy because I have to be alert. With college students, I have to know enough to answer their questions. I have to know enough to stimulate critical thinking in my students. I have to diligently read; and it does NOT stop there. I have to plan my lessons so it fits 90 minutes and that I don't delay or ruin the syllabus I had prepared. Any deviation on that and I ruin the better chances they have of maximizing their opportunities to learn.

I am annoyed at people who do not consider how precious my time is. I am annoyed at people who do not see how many things I have sacrificed because I chose to commit in educating the minds (and hearts) of the next generation. I knew, the moment this job was offered to me, that my social life would deterioriate if I chose this line of work. But I said yes, because I could not say no to the offer of investing my time (and life) in the next generation. The weekends I have spent working, the movies I could not watch because I had to read academic texts, the extra minutes of sleep I cannot get because I have to get up by 6 am everyday, the heavy bag I bring because I need my laptop to process loads of information, the lesser time I get to spend with my boyfriend, family and friends because I have to finish a series of tasks without compromising excellence. I am annoyed when I am told that I have to be spontaneous and when I give a valid explanation on how serious the job I chose to pursue is, I am given responses that are sarcastic.

It's not funny that I have scheduled hours for "spontaneity," but it's the MOST I can afford, the MOST I can do and the BEST I can give to people who matter. So at least that, I hoped, should have been appreciated.

Busy Season

It's another busy season. I have lots to tell; lots of things going inside my mind. But time is, once again, of the essence. And I just have to breathe and breathe until I get through everything that's needed to be done. One task at a time, one emotion at a time.