It's hard to look back on my recent "holiday" and say that I didn't go through permanent life defects. It's hard to look back on the last two or three years of my life and say that I haven't gone beyond my limit--I've changed drastically and it's the kind of change that's impossible to reverse and take back. Sometimes, I pray really hard that I haven't gone too far, that it isn't too late to live the life I've lived before.
It has been a slow, painful decay and I wish that some masks can be worn stronger so that all the pruning and breaking and sharpening become a little bit more tolerable. Everyday since December, my threshold for people and scrutiny has shrunk smaller and smaller. I'm afraid that now, that threshold no longer exists. I am meticulous in more ways than one but if there's anything the last few months have taught me, a little bit of leniency, intentional relationships, a strong grasp of purpose and the gift of grace go beyond what the mind can fathom. Not that I received all of those--I didn't, that's why I know. That's why in my head, I can logically and easily pinpoint where the blame should go (and I don't exclude myself when I do).
I'm tired of feeling lonely, of being publicly humiliated, of being laughed at, of being belittled--implicitly or directly. I am tired, so tired, of giving unnecessary sacrifices when there could have always been a simple solution to keep things light, fast and emotionally healthy. I may never be the same again but the promise I made to myself when the New Year kicked in rings so loud and so true: I am off to discover greater things than this.
Showing posts with label new year. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new year. Show all posts
Friday, January 23, 2015
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
A Couple of New Year's Resolutions
I normally don't do this, but I think today has proved very timely for it:
1) Get a job that doesn't kill my social life.
2) Get a job that will allow me to celebrate holidays.
3) Get a job that will not ruin my personal relationships with people, as well as my perceptions of them.
4) Rest.
5) Watch lots of wonderful movies and read so many good books.
6) Be gorgeous--no matter what.
1) Get a job that doesn't kill my social life.
2) Get a job that will allow me to celebrate holidays.
3) Get a job that will not ruin my personal relationships with people, as well as my perceptions of them.
4) Rest.
5) Watch lots of wonderful movies and read so many good books.
6) Be gorgeous--no matter what.
