Thank You

Roughly two years ago, I remember how I told God that I was prepared to be sent wherever He wanted me to go. Little did I recognize the weight of those words, how it would almost cost me my very own life and the many things that mattered to me. I wondered today if I have any regrets for uttering those precious words, but I was only left in awe because my God made sure that I was more than prepared to live my life for Him. I was broken, crushed, and sent to the deepest, hardest points of my life during these last two years, and when tears fell from my eyes I knew it was because I could clearly hear Him say that I am ready, I am ready.

God's Plans

I've been journeying with God on-and-off for the past months. Here's how the cycle goes. After days or weeks of not fighting for my time with Him, I would be drawn through a Christian song or a really good Christian book. Then I'd be sentimental, then cry, and feel guilty yet equally loved and make a pledge to be a better Christian. To get to know Him more. That I wouldn't skip long days without praying or having my devotion. After sometime, the motivation would once again deteriorate. Oh, I'm too busy I have to finish this. Oh, this seems so exciting I can always get back to my devotion. Oh, God will understand.

I'm writing this down because today was another high point in that cycle and I just want to crush the cycle. I want every day to be a fighting day for time with God. Because in my happy place, I started making plans for myself. I started making plans to achieve by myself. I totally forgot about God's plans and now that I want to follow Him, I am completely, miserably lost.

I have to restore my walk with God. I have to start somewhere, I have to start there. I have to admit it, and I don't want to end this on some glorious note that it will be alright soon and that I will be redeemed. (Although most likely, this will be the case for all God's children.) I just want to say it now. My pride is wounded. I am crippled and I keep trying to get up. I cannot accept the fact that I am crippled and I am not doing well. Because people will judge me. And though it shouldn't, it matters so much to me. I am ashamed that I acted like the most intellectual of all intellectuals. It was a slap on my face to know that I am not. And yet, I am nursing the pain.

I just want it all to be okay. I just want to get back on the track that I used to follow so well. To experience the good and the bad, and not to get too focused that I only get the good.

Dear God, I truly do not know where I am going. I badly want to. But I know my heart is not ready. So I want You to make it ready. Grant me humility, allow me to accept that things cannot always be perfect, that things cannot be planned, and the best plans are those that are Yours, revealed in Your proper timing. Teach me to be calm, but strong enough to fight. To not be satisfied with a life that is comfortable and yet pointless. Please Lord, I cannot live without direction. I cannot live without knowing. Please help me.

I Can't Believe I Have Time to Write Again

In busy days and days that never seemed to end, I learned to bask in silence. At times, I would take good, brief walks, or laugh my entire being out. Pacifying myself had suddenly become part of my routine. Moreso, I learned how to manage doing one task at a time because I knew there were so many "nexts" to come and I would seriously lose it if I tried doing everything simultaneously. So when the days started slowing down, I found myself itching upon being confronted with a thousand uncertainties.

Be brave, they say. Grow up. Accept new opportunities. Try new hobbies. Do what you love. Never stop discovering new things. These days, these are the mantras I hear unceasingly. And I listened. I tried to be independent, fixating on the less than basic activities I could do in the kitchen. I brought myself to work, to the mall, and back home. I bought groceries and stuffed myself with fatty food. Every time, every time, I conquered a task by myself, I'd be proud, because, I repeat, I did it all by myself. Nevertheless, I do wonder sometimes. Isn't it a little too late for that, now that I have lived for almost a quarter of a century? Why do I feel this only now? Why was I not taught to survive and be, quite frankly, an adult?

Then time was of another matter, although as equally significant. I wanted to dabble in the arts. I have always enjoyed painting words, painting on blank canvasses, pushing keys and hearing wonderful, wonderful music. More than it being cathartic, I deemed myself to be a little bit better in this area compared to others, no offense. But when all my time was lost, why could I not push harder to invest on this? And then somehow, I ended up being a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. The pain.

It's hard to uproot me. When I find my niche, I dig really deep and claw my way down. I do not know if this brought me much good or much bad, but if I really, really, really trust someone else, I allow myself to be swayed. I have a strong history of harsh words and betrayal and somewhere along the way, I just wanted it to stop completely. So I put my guards up. How do I know if I'm trusting the right people? How do I protect myself from the awkwardness and intimidation while all the while enjoying new discoveries and being thrown away in a whirlwind? How do I become the person everybody is comfortable with in my endeavor to keep myself intact?

I have so many questions, most of which I can obviously see are contradicting or already provide direct answers. I just wanted to write. I have to say, my feelings are still twitching and sentimentally blurry, but seeing the words get strung together just like old times feels orgasmically good.

Kaguluhan

Ginawa kong iwasan ka. Ginawa kong isipin na tapos na, hindi na ako aasa pa, at kailan man ay hindi tayo pwede. At habang lahat ng senyales ay sumasang-ayon na wala naman talagang posibilidad na maging tayo, bakit hindi ko kayang isuko? Bakit sa tuwing sigurado na ako sa mga desisyon ko ay lagi na lamang may nangyayari upang magustuhan kita?

Tunay ngang magulo ang mundong ginagalawan natin. Pero sana, sana, matutunan ko nang tanggapin na hindi tayo para sa isa't isa, na hindi mo naisipang subukang pasayahin ako, na ako'y di hamak na isang maliit na parte lamang ng mundo mo, nang matahimik na ang aking puso. Parang awa mo na, patahimikin mo na ang aking puso.

Finally

Almost a week ago, I screamed.

I screamed it all out. And I thought that I would regret it, but even if it has sunk in, I don't.

Because when all the screaming was going on, I learned a cold, hard truth: some people will never change, and just continue being the hypocrites that they are.

And if only I could storm out I would. But with how most things go, we're stuck with who we don't want to be with.

Nonetheless, it felt good to release all those years' worth of bottled up pain in their faces. I'm still waiting until I regret it.

One More Prayer Because I'm Regressing Again

Dear God,

You know that deep in my heart I need to flee this country, really, really badly. Please. Any place will do. Any place but here.

To Leave

There are days when I don't want that day to come, there are days when I am desperate for it to carry me away because I want to completely cut the strings that when tugged, tug harder.

When the Big, Hot Tears Fall

You just know the difference between sadness and pain.

And every time you think you've wiped the redness off your face, when you're calm and your breathing has normalized, you just cry once again at a triggered memory.

Fly Away

There are times in my current life when I really want to flee from this place. To just get on that plane and leave, because all the friendships (?) I've built here are useless.

And then the funniest (or un-funniest) thing is, when I express my love for hibernation, they wonder without really understanding that it was because I was, deliberately or unintentionally, neglected by the very same people I painfully, painfully keep choosing to understand. It's like a new scar scars my old scar and it keeps going on in that excruciating cycle and I just have to give up.