Layers

Some people are made of layers and layers. It’s like you think you know them but you honestly don’t. The thing is, they’re not unpredictable. It’s just that it takes much wisdom and sensitivity to bring out the deepest part of their being.

I guess the sad part is that the layers are very much the offspring of years of losing trust and not having it rebuilt, of having something stolen and no longer returned. I never wanted layers, but in the process of getting my second and nth chances I had inevitably put one guard over another, one damage getting resolved after another.

But-—what I love most about being a person of layers is that I surprise people. It always seems like they have so much to learn about me even after years of knowing me. And I guess that’s the beauty of it, that no matter how complicated it may seem, there’s something new and wonderful to take in.

That is why I don’t have any regrets for how I turned out-—excited when I am interested and obsessed when I am passionate. Thirsty for knowledge, skeptical when bored, silent when reeling, squealing when I’m over-the-top happy—these are all, I am proud to say, me. Though a number of the things I’ve just enumerated tend to change depending on the situation, I frankly don’t feel bothered that my layers also surprise me. One minute I’m too perky, the next I’m a hundred percent focused. That is perfectly fine because it proves I’m human.

Lastly, I should never have questioned if I did good and if those good things that I did were well enough. I also don’t have any apologies for how I reacted and the efforts I struggled to exert just to allow people to see through my layers. If they don’t get it, if it had become too complicated to have at least an inkling of how I was feeling, then I am convinced of one thing and one thing only: it is not my loss.

I Can't Believe I Have Time to Write Again

In busy days and days that never seemed to end, I learned to bask in silence. At times, I would take good, brief walks, or laugh my entire being out. Pacifying myself had suddenly become part of my routine. Moreso, I learned how to manage doing one task at a time because I knew there were so many "nexts" to come and I would seriously lose it if I tried doing everything simultaneously. So when the days started slowing down, I found myself itching upon being confronted with a thousand uncertainties.

Be brave, they say. Grow up. Accept new opportunities. Try new hobbies. Do what you love. Never stop discovering new things. These days, these are the mantras I hear unceasingly. And I listened. I tried to be independent, fixating on the less than basic activities I could do in the kitchen. I brought myself to work, to the mall, and back home. I bought groceries and stuffed myself with fatty food. Every time, every time, I conquered a task by myself, I'd be proud, because, I repeat, I did it all by myself. Nevertheless, I do wonder sometimes. Isn't it a little too late for that, now that I have lived for almost a quarter of a century? Why do I feel this only now? Why was I not taught to survive and be, quite frankly, an adult?

Then time was of another matter, although as equally significant. I wanted to dabble in the arts. I have always enjoyed painting words, painting on blank canvasses, pushing keys and hearing wonderful, wonderful music. More than it being cathartic, I deemed myself to be a little bit better in this area compared to others, no offense. But when all my time was lost, why could I not push harder to invest on this? And then somehow, I ended up being a jack-of-all-trades and master of none. The pain.

It's hard to uproot me. When I find my niche, I dig really deep and claw my way down. I do not know if this brought me much good or much bad, but if I really, really, really trust someone else, I allow myself to be swayed. I have a strong history of harsh words and betrayal and somewhere along the way, I just wanted it to stop completely. So I put my guards up. How do I know if I'm trusting the right people? How do I protect myself from the awkwardness and intimidation while all the while enjoying new discoveries and being thrown away in a whirlwind? How do I become the person everybody is comfortable with in my endeavor to keep myself intact?

I have so many questions, most of which I can obviously see are contradicting or already provide direct answers. I just wanted to write. I have to say, my feelings are still twitching and sentimentally blurry, but seeing the words get strung together just like old times feels orgasmically good.

Kaguluhan

Ginawa kong iwasan ka. Ginawa kong isipin na tapos na, hindi na ako aasa pa, at kailan man ay hindi tayo pwede. At habang lahat ng senyales ay sumasang-ayon na wala naman talagang posibilidad na maging tayo, bakit hindi ko kayang isuko? Bakit sa tuwing sigurado na ako sa mga desisyon ko ay lagi na lamang may nangyayari upang magustuhan kita?

Tunay ngang magulo ang mundong ginagalawan natin. Pero sana, sana, matutunan ko nang tanggapin na hindi tayo para sa isa't isa, na hindi mo naisipang subukang pasayahin ako, na ako'y di hamak na isang maliit na parte lamang ng mundo mo, nang matahimik na ang aking puso. Parang awa mo na, patahimikin mo na ang aking puso.

Message in a Bottle

I write this letter hoping that even if it is meant as a cry for help towards any anonymous person, it is you who would somehow get a hold of this.

I am tired, and have often been in the same situation for many times: on the verge of breakdown. Tonight, I'll try to write it down in lieu of sulking by myself in a corner, trying to breathe in and breathe out just for all the anxiety to go away. I am emotionally conflicted, mentally exhausted, and physically yearning to just lie in bed and watch the stars.

I'm still not sure if my dreams are still as big as before, or if I'm already contented, having reached the happiest season of my life. Gaining so many friends worth keeping (that I actually don't have room for new ones) and discovering newfound loves have drastically changed my life. I don't know if this is some sort of adrenaline rush to my, as they always say, sheltered way of living, but I'm thrilled that in one way or another, it has partially changed.

I also met you. You who were someone I used to just shrug off, you whom I thought were better off in your lucky-go-happy world. We've never had a real, honest and good conversation. All I had gotten in the last few weeks were your crazy and desperate jokes to wing everything that had to be finished and completed. I don't know why it hit me tremendously, I just know that in between the jokes were sincere moments of affirmation that I failed to receive from anybody.

Now I realize, we've never had that conversation because I'm too scared to hear the words that will ruin the investments I've made with another special person. Likewise, I'm too scared to find out that there was just really nothing surfacing between the exchanges we've had. So today, I'm closing that door because you never gave me any reason to take your flattery seriously. It was just flattery, plain and simple. And plainly, simply, and ironically, it did break my heart. So today, I promise myself that I will protect the person who loved me most in spite of this predicament because he deserves to be fought for.

So tell me now, can you please shut up and stop uplifting my vulnerable spirit? I can't have this game of chasing and hoping with you... and this is the only way you can rescue me.

Finally

Almost a week ago, I screamed.

I screamed it all out. And I thought that I would regret it, but even if it has sunk in, I don't.

Because when all the screaming was going on, I learned a cold, hard truth: some people will never change, and just continue being the hypocrites that they are.

And if only I could storm out I would. But with how most things go, we're stuck with who we don't want to be with.

Nonetheless, it felt good to release all those years' worth of bottled up pain in their faces. I'm still waiting until I regret it.

I Never Thanked the Committee

For selecting, intentionally or unintentionally, the right mix of people who would work well together, inside our outside the workplace.

For selecting, intentionally or unintentionally, the right mix of people who would have beautiful dynamics, worthy enough to make every day resemble a hit drama or comedy show--even better than Grey's Anatomy, How I Met Your Mother, or The Big Bang Theory.

For including me in that selection, for giving me a job that, albeit difficult, was a privilege as much as a stress-reliever because of the people I worked with and the children I was surrounded with every day.

For giving me another chance to be part of something, after I have wasted years trying, and waiting, to be accepted and remembered by the people I grew up with and the people who raised me.

I will never, ever regret being here. I know this will not last, as all seasons in life may not, but even then, I will always have something to look back on even when I have to get moving forward. Thank you for giving me a circle of friends I can cherish and treasure--completely, purely and adequately. It will be impossible to forget this chapter of my life--it has been one the happiest.

To Leave

There are days when I don't want that day to come, there are days when I am desperate for it to carry me away because I want to completely cut the strings that when tugged, tug harder.

Family

I miss, I miss.

Fly Away

There are times in my current life when I really want to flee from this place. To just get on that plane and leave, because all the friendships (?) I've built here are useless.

And then the funniest (or un-funniest) thing is, when I express my love for hibernation, they wonder without really understanding that it was because I was, deliberately or unintentionally, neglected by the very same people I painfully, painfully keep choosing to understand. It's like a new scar scars my old scar and it keeps going on in that excruciating cycle and I just have to give up.