Why I'm Not Staying

It's hard to look back on my recent "holiday" and say that I didn't go through permanent life defects. It's hard to look back on the last two or three years of my life and say that I haven't gone beyond my limit--I've changed drastically and it's the kind of change that's impossible to reverse and take back. Sometimes, I pray really hard that I haven't gone too far, that it isn't too late to live the life I've lived before.

It has been a slow, painful decay and I wish that some masks can be worn stronger so that all the pruning and breaking and sharpening become a little bit more tolerable. Everyday since December, my threshold for people and scrutiny has shrunk smaller and smaller. I'm afraid that now, that threshold no longer exists. I am meticulous in more ways than one but if there's anything the last few months have taught me, a little bit of leniency, intentional relationships, a strong grasp of purpose and the gift of grace go beyond what the mind can fathom. Not that I received all of those--I didn't, that's why I know. That's why in my head, I can logically and easily pinpoint where the blame should go (and I don't exclude myself when I do).

I'm tired of feeling lonely, of being publicly humiliated, of being laughed at, of being belittled--implicitly or directly. I am tired, so tired, of giving unnecessary sacrifices when there could have always been a simple solution to keep things light, fast and emotionally healthy. I may never be the same again but the promise I made to myself when the New Year kicked in rings so loud and so true: I am off to discover greater things than this.

A Couple of New Year's Resolutions

I normally don't do this, but I think today has proved very timely for it:

1) Get a job that doesn't kill my social life.
2) Get a job that will allow me to celebrate holidays.
3) Get a job that will not ruin my personal relationships with people, as well as my perceptions of them.
4) Rest.
5) Watch lots of wonderful movies and read so many good books.
6) Be gorgeous--no matter what.

God's Plans

I've been journeying with God on-and-off for the past months. Here's how the cycle goes. After days or weeks of not fighting for my time with Him, I would be drawn through a Christian song or a really good Christian book. Then I'd be sentimental, then cry, and feel guilty yet equally loved and make a pledge to be a better Christian. To get to know Him more. That I wouldn't skip long days without praying or having my devotion. After sometime, the motivation would once again deteriorate. Oh, I'm too busy I have to finish this. Oh, this seems so exciting I can always get back to my devotion. Oh, God will understand.

I'm writing this down because today was another high point in that cycle and I just want to crush the cycle. I want every day to be a fighting day for time with God. Because in my happy place, I started making plans for myself. I started making plans to achieve by myself. I totally forgot about God's plans and now that I want to follow Him, I am completely, miserably lost.

I have to restore my walk with God. I have to start somewhere, I have to start there. I have to admit it, and I don't want to end this on some glorious note that it will be alright soon and that I will be redeemed. (Although most likely, this will be the case for all God's children.) I just want to say it now. My pride is wounded. I am crippled and I keep trying to get up. I cannot accept the fact that I am crippled and I am not doing well. Because people will judge me. And though it shouldn't, it matters so much to me. I am ashamed that I acted like the most intellectual of all intellectuals. It was a slap on my face to know that I am not. And yet, I am nursing the pain.

I just want it all to be okay. I just want to get back on the track that I used to follow so well. To experience the good and the bad, and not to get too focused that I only get the good.

Dear God, I truly do not know where I am going. I badly want to. But I know my heart is not ready. So I want You to make it ready. Grant me humility, allow me to accept that things cannot always be perfect, that things cannot be planned, and the best plans are those that are Yours, revealed in Your proper timing. Teach me to be calm, but strong enough to fight. To not be satisfied with a life that is comfortable and yet pointless. Please Lord, I cannot live without direction. I cannot live without knowing. Please help me.