Please Take My Time Seriously

I am annoyed. I am annoyed at people who belittle the work we do as preschool teachers and college professors in the university. "Madaming ginagawa? Preschool teacher ka lang naman ah." I teach preschool and college students. With preschoolers, my materials, weekly plan and activities are not the only things that matter. I have to make sure that every day, they are SAFE. And with that, I cannot compromise. I cannot be stressed because I have to be patient. I cannot be sleepy because I have to be alert. With college students, I have to know enough to answer their questions. I have to know enough to stimulate critical thinking in my students. I have to diligently read; and it does NOT stop there. I have to plan my lessons so it fits 90 minutes and that I don't delay or ruin the syllabus I had prepared. Any deviation on that and I ruin the better chances they have of maximizing their opportunities to learn.

I am annoyed at people who do not consider how precious my time is. I am annoyed at people who do not see how many things I have sacrificed because I chose to commit in educating the minds (and hearts) of the next generation. I knew, the moment this job was offered to me, that my social life would deterioriate if I chose this line of work. But I said yes, because I could not say no to the offer of investing my time (and life) in the next generation. The weekends I have spent working, the movies I could not watch because I had to read academic texts, the extra minutes of sleep I cannot get because I have to get up by 6 am everyday, the heavy bag I bring because I need my laptop to process loads of information, the lesser time I get to spend with my boyfriend, family and friends because I have to finish a series of tasks without compromising excellence. I am annoyed when I am told that I have to be spontaneous and when I give a valid explanation on how serious the job I chose to pursue is, I am given responses that are sarcastic.

It's not funny that I have scheduled hours for "spontaneity," but it's the MOST I can afford, the MOST I can do and the BEST I can give to people who matter. So at least that, I hoped, should have been appreciated.

Busy Season

It's another busy season. I have lots to tell; lots of things going inside my mind. But time is, once again, of the essence. And I just have to breathe and breathe until I get through everything that's needed to be done. One task at a time, one emotion at a time.

When the Big, Hot Tears Fall

You just know the difference between sadness and pain.

And every time you think you've wiped the redness off your face, when you're calm and your breathing has normalized, you just cry once again at a triggered memory.

One of the Best Moments While Reading Before Ever After

"In that moment he envied the gods. They snatched mortals from meadows and loved them wantonly. Perhaps, he thought, immortality gave them no other choice; their mortal lovers withered in a blink of their eternal eyes. But people loved differently. They loved slowly and cautiously because their hearts broke more easily than clay."

Before Ever After (Samantha Sotto)

Family

I miss, I miss.

Fly Away

There are times in my current life when I really want to flee from this place. To just get on that plane and leave, because all the friendships (?) I've built here are useless.

And then the funniest (or un-funniest) thing is, when I express my love for hibernation, they wonder without really understanding that it was because I was, deliberately or unintentionally, neglected by the very same people I painfully, painfully keep choosing to understand. It's like a new scar scars my old scar and it keeps going on in that excruciating cycle and I just have to give up.

Layers

"You’ll know her more by your questions than by her answers. Keep looking at her long enough. One day you might see someone you know."

Stargirl (Jerry Spinelli)

When Night Beckons

Dreams make sense, and there is so much to life, so much to look forward to in the morning to come.

Darkness is comfortable and cozy because it caves you in, and you rest, and you close your eyes, and you find refuge.

Midnight conversations bring out the truth as much as the best in yourself. So you start missing the people who have not changed; those who had voices you could confide to with all your heart and soul.

And the music. The music is more soothing, amplified with emotions, magnified in its impact. It becomes a beautiful lullaby.

The night calls.

Love, the (Anti)Social Butterfly

I don't bite. It's obvious that a lot of people have difficulty connecting with me. As I've been told, I can be terribly intimidating especially at first glance. I also don't take the first step, I don't budge if I'm ignored. But I don't bite. It's just that I'm wrapped in so many layers and it takes a combination of time and guts and effort to appreciate the nice and loyal person that I am.

On Friendships and Relationships

"When you date someone, you have the markers along the way, right: You kiss, you have The Talk, you say the Three Little Words, you sit on a swing set and break up. You can plot the points on a graph. And you check up with each other along the way. Can I do this? If I say this, will you say it back?

But with friendship, there’s nothing like that. Being in a relationship, that’s something you choose. Being friends, that’s just something you are."

Will Grayson, Will Grayson (John Green & David Levithan)