The Most Beautiful Sound at 11:00 PM

And everyone knows I'm in over my head, over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime, she's on your mind
She's on your mind...

Over My Head, The Fray

One More Prayer Because I'm Regressing Again

Dear God,

You know that deep in my heart I need to flee this country, really, really badly. Please. Any place will do. Any place but here.

To Leave

There are days when I don't want that day to come, there are days when I am desperate for it to carry me away because I want to completely cut the strings that when tugged, tug harder.

Please Take My Time Seriously

I am annoyed. I am annoyed at people who belittle the work we do as preschool teachers and college professors in the university. "Madaming ginagawa? Preschool teacher ka lang naman ah." I teach preschool and college students. With preschoolers, my materials, weekly plan and activities are not the only things that matter. I have to make sure that every day, they are SAFE. And with that, I cannot compromise. I cannot be stressed because I have to be patient. I cannot be sleepy because I have to be alert. With college students, I have to know enough to answer their questions. I have to know enough to stimulate critical thinking in my students. I have to diligently read; and it does NOT stop there. I have to plan my lessons so it fits 90 minutes and that I don't delay or ruin the syllabus I had prepared. Any deviation on that and I ruin the better chances they have of maximizing their opportunities to learn.

I am annoyed at people who do not consider how precious my time is. I am annoyed at people who do not see how many things I have sacrificed because I chose to commit in educating the minds (and hearts) of the next generation. I knew, the moment this job was offered to me, that my social life would deterioriate if I chose this line of work. But I said yes, because I could not say no to the offer of investing my time (and life) in the next generation. The weekends I have spent working, the movies I could not watch because I had to read academic texts, the extra minutes of sleep I cannot get because I have to get up by 6 am everyday, the heavy bag I bring because I need my laptop to process loads of information, the lesser time I get to spend with my boyfriend, family and friends because I have to finish a series of tasks without compromising excellence. I am annoyed when I am told that I have to be spontaneous and when I give a valid explanation on how serious the job I chose to pursue is, I am given responses that are sarcastic.

It's not funny that I have scheduled hours for "spontaneity," but it's the MOST I can afford, the MOST I can do and the BEST I can give to people who matter. So at least that, I hoped, should have been appreciated.

Busy Season

It's another busy season. I have lots to tell; lots of things going inside my mind. But time is, once again, of the essence. And I just have to breathe and breathe until I get through everything that's needed to be done. One task at a time, one emotion at a time.

When the Big, Hot Tears Fall

You just know the difference between sadness and pain.

And every time you think you've wiped the redness off your face, when you're calm and your breathing has normalized, you just cry once again at a triggered memory.

One of the Best Moments While Reading Before Ever After

"In that moment he envied the gods. They snatched mortals from meadows and loved them wantonly. Perhaps, he thought, immortality gave them no other choice; their mortal lovers withered in a blink of their eternal eyes. But people loved differently. They loved slowly and cautiously because their hearts broke more easily than clay."

Before Ever After (Samantha Sotto)

Family

I miss, I miss.

Fly Away

There are times in my current life when I really want to flee from this place. To just get on that plane and leave, because all the friendships (?) I've built here are useless.

And then the funniest (or un-funniest) thing is, when I express my love for hibernation, they wonder without really understanding that it was because I was, deliberately or unintentionally, neglected by the very same people I painfully, painfully keep choosing to understand. It's like a new scar scars my old scar and it keeps going on in that excruciating cycle and I just have to give up.

Layers

"You’ll know her more by your questions than by her answers. Keep looking at her long enough. One day you might see someone you know."

Stargirl (Jerry Spinelli)