Message in a Bottle

I write this letter hoping that even if it is meant as a cry for help towards any anonymous person, it is you who would somehow get a hold of this.

I am tired, and have often been in the same situation for many times: on the verge of breakdown. Tonight, I'll try to write it down in lieu of sulking by myself in a corner, trying to breathe in and breathe out just for all the anxiety to go away. I am emotionally conflicted, mentally exhausted, and physically yearning to just lie in bed and watch the stars.

I'm still not sure if my dreams are still as big as before, or if I'm already contented, having reached the happiest season of my life. Gaining so many friends worth keeping (that I actually don't have room for new ones) and discovering newfound loves have drastically changed my life. I don't know if this is some sort of adrenaline rush to my, as they always say, sheltered way of living, but I'm thrilled that in one way or another, it has partially changed.

I also met you. You who were someone I used to just shrug off, you whom I thought were better off in your lucky-go-happy world. We've never had a real, honest and good conversation. All I had gotten in the last few weeks were your crazy and desperate jokes to wing everything that had to be finished and completed. I don't know why it hit me tremendously, I just know that in between the jokes were sincere moments of affirmation that I failed to receive from anybody.

Now I realize, we've never had that conversation because I'm too scared to hear the words that will ruin the investments I've made with another special person. Likewise, I'm too scared to find out that there was just really nothing surfacing between the exchanges we've had. So today, I'm closing that door because you never gave me any reason to take your flattery seriously. It was just flattery, plain and simple. And plainly, simply, and ironically, it did break my heart. So today, I promise myself that I will protect the person who loved me most in spite of this predicament because he deserves to be fought for.

So tell me now, can you please shut up and stop uplifting my vulnerable spirit? I can't have this game of chasing and hoping with you... and this is the only way you can rescue me.

Playgrounds, Night Time, and Carnivals

This week, I felt special once again. This week, I was affirmed. This week, I relived and loved the idea of the chase.

If only it were simple, if only feelings could be controlled, and if only I could protect people from getting hurt.

And if only you could stop being your funny and helpful self, if only I met you when no strings had been attached... then so many things could change.

Groceries

I've been walking around groceries for the last two days, well... walking and shopping. It seems like grocery-buying is my new therapeutic habit during these times.

I'm enjoying teaching myself how the aisles are organized, and I learned that the number one thing I love about groceries is the organization that just envelopes the entire place. I am a fan of organization, and I would happily sacrifice my life for organization to conquer the human race.

I started visiting groceries when I had to buy materials for my class. Lately, I've been visiting because I keep wanting to refill my goodies and comfort food and drinks at work, re-supplying myself with a box of Swiss Miss Chocolate Truffle, Milo, Lipton Milk Tea, powdered milk tea from a Malaysian brand, Nestea Red Tea Raspberry Iced Tea, Meiji chocolates, pancit canton, cup noodles, Butterfinger, and the like, which you, by now, most probably have a good idea of.

Because I had to buy a number of things and I got exhausted from lugging my handbag around, I taught myself to use a cart. And when I rolled that grocery cart along the aisles, it was magic. I started thinking of how it would be like if I had a family, and a baby, and I could easily choose which baby stuff to buy because I'm becoming a pro at baby brands and what to choose for a baby. I started thinking of how I could do this everyday and buy only the good stuff for my family. The best comfort food. And I imagined my kids so happy because I didn't deprive them of junk food or A&W cream sodas every now and then. And I would eat with them because life is too short to stay healthy. We'd drink the salted-caramel-flavored-hot-chocolate from Starbucks on rainy days, using our colorful and awesome mugs and tumblers and we'd cuddle on mats and pillows while watching Disney movies. Or do art together, like go painting and stuff.

I didn't want to admit this, but going to groceries pushed me to want to be a mom soon. But I still have years to go, because if I'm going to need funds for my groceries and the house I'm going to put my groceries in, I have to survive at this job which I also love.

Finally

Almost a week ago, I screamed.

I screamed it all out. And I thought that I would regret it, but even if it has sunk in, I don't.

Because when all the screaming was going on, I learned a cold, hard truth: some people will never change, and just continue being the hypocrites that they are.

And if only I could storm out I would. But with how most things go, we're stuck with who we don't want to be with.

Nonetheless, it felt good to release all those years' worth of bottled up pain in their faces. I'm still waiting until I regret it.

I Never Thanked the Committee

For selecting, intentionally or unintentionally, the right mix of people who would work well together, inside our outside the workplace.

For selecting, intentionally or unintentionally, the right mix of people who would have beautiful dynamics, worthy enough to make every day resemble a hit drama or comedy show--even better than Grey's Anatomy, How I Met Your Mother, or The Big Bang Theory.

For including me in that selection, for giving me a job that, albeit difficult, was a privilege as much as a stress-reliever because of the people I worked with and the children I was surrounded with every day.

For giving me another chance to be part of something, after I have wasted years trying, and waiting, to be accepted and remembered by the people I grew up with and the people who raised me.

I will never, ever regret being here. I know this will not last, as all seasons in life may not, but even then, I will always have something to look back on even when I have to get moving forward. Thank you for giving me a circle of friends I can cherish and treasure--completely, purely and adequately. It will be impossible to forget this chapter of my life--it has been one the happiest.

Pocahontas is My Current Heroine

In Disney's Pocahontas, Grandmother Willow says, "Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one."

Only now that I am a grown person do I realize the weight of these words. It strikes as something noble and heroic at first, but later on it tires you out and eats you up. The path becomes so grueling before it can become so fulfilling, and you suddenly wonder if, amid the emotions and sentiments and hardcore pain, you're still on the right path.

In Just Around the Riverbend, Pocahontas sings, "Should I choose the smoothest course, steady as the beating drum? Should I marry Kocoum? Is all my dreaming at an end? Or do you still wait for me, Dream Giver, just around the riverbend?"

I can only wish that in real life, we have pretty orange and violet leaves fluttering around when we get to the crossroads.

The Most Beautiful Sound at 11:00 PM

And everyone knows I'm in over my head, over my head
With eight seconds left in overtime, she's on your mind
She's on your mind...

Over My Head, The Fray

One More Prayer Because I'm Regressing Again

Dear God,

You know that deep in my heart I need to flee this country, really, really badly. Please. Any place will do. Any place but here.

To Leave

There are days when I don't want that day to come, there are days when I am desperate for it to carry me away because I want to completely cut the strings that when tugged, tug harder.

Please Take My Time Seriously

I am annoyed. I am annoyed at people who belittle the work we do as preschool teachers and college professors in the university. "Madaming ginagawa? Preschool teacher ka lang naman ah." I teach preschool and college students. With preschoolers, my materials, weekly plan and activities are not the only things that matter. I have to make sure that every day, they are SAFE. And with that, I cannot compromise. I cannot be stressed because I have to be patient. I cannot be sleepy because I have to be alert. With college students, I have to know enough to answer their questions. I have to know enough to stimulate critical thinking in my students. I have to diligently read; and it does NOT stop there. I have to plan my lessons so it fits 90 minutes and that I don't delay or ruin the syllabus I had prepared. Any deviation on that and I ruin the better chances they have of maximizing their opportunities to learn.

I am annoyed at people who do not consider how precious my time is. I am annoyed at people who do not see how many things I have sacrificed because I chose to commit in educating the minds (and hearts) of the next generation. I knew, the moment this job was offered to me, that my social life would deterioriate if I chose this line of work. But I said yes, because I could not say no to the offer of investing my time (and life) in the next generation. The weekends I have spent working, the movies I could not watch because I had to read academic texts, the extra minutes of sleep I cannot get because I have to get up by 6 am everyday, the heavy bag I bring because I need my laptop to process loads of information, the lesser time I get to spend with my boyfriend, family and friends because I have to finish a series of tasks without compromising excellence. I am annoyed when I am told that I have to be spontaneous and when I give a valid explanation on how serious the job I chose to pursue is, I am given responses that are sarcastic.

It's not funny that I have scheduled hours for "spontaneity," but it's the MOST I can afford, the MOST I can do and the BEST I can give to people who matter. So at least that, I hoped, should have been appreciated.